Do you ever think you would like to end the repeating, multiple warnings to stop unwanted behavior or repeating directions to your children? What is stopping you?
An interesting point of conversation was brought up the other night in my ScreamFree Parenting Teleseminar, by author Hal Runkel. What if you never gave two warnings EVER again? How do you think your relationship with your child would change? What would happen? Would it be positive or negative? Let’s take a minute and examine some of the ideas that came from the conversation the other night.
If you never gave two warnings ever again to your children, do you think they would learn to listen the first time you spoke? We are creatures of habit and I can tell you that your children have grown accustom to you repeating yourself over and over for their benefit. Whether it is warnings, directions or requests, it is all the same. I love how Dr. Kevin Leman states this in his book, “How to Have a New Kid by Friday,” (by the way, hate the title, like the concepts). He says, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, I think you are so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.” Do you see how by repeating yourself to them they get used to NOT having to listen to you the first time or second time because they know you will continually repeat your words until they decide to listen? It is that simple, stop repeating yourself. Have a conversation with your children, and simply explain this sentence to them, you don’t think they are stupid so you are not going to be treating them that way anymore. You will be amazed at the outcome, if you are consistent.
Another term that falls into this topic was the term “ridiculously consistent.” I love it. The most difficult area for parents to follow through on is consistency. Being ridiculously consistent means really putting forth that effort to hold to what you know you need to do NO MATTER WHAT. It means almost 100% of the time following through with what you say. This is where most parents end up finding things just don’t work and they wonder why. I can almost guarantee if you continue to do the same thing over and over again and your child learns to trust you and your word, things will start changing in your home.
If your child understood that they would have to listen to you the first time because you weren’t repeating yourself or giving multiple warnings, you would undoubtedly earn the respect you think you deserve as a parent. Your children would learn to trust you and then respect would come naturally. I wonder how else your relationship with your children would change if you never game two warnings again? How about their level of cooperation? How about their feeling of confidence in themselves? I am curious what other areas will be impacted. I would love to hear your thoughts and experience as you incorporate being “ridiculously consistent in never giving two warnings” again!
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Love this Susan! So true. Being ignored and ramping up the warnings just takes me down to their level- especially when I get all hot under the collar in the process. Love this idea!
Thanks Corinne! I love how you put it, “takes me down to their level”. Great way of looking at it!
I love love love this. I use the term “painfully consistant” because it can be SUPER painful to be consistant.
Never repeating your self is a great step towards a more peaceful house. One thing to consider is to make sure you the child heard you the 1st time. Meaning (and I am SUPER guilty of it out of laziness) do not yell directions down/up the stairs. Actually be in the same room with the child (or at least the same floor). This is difficult for me at times because I am lazy and I am fixing dinner and the kids are downstairs.
I try to tell my children that if they did not hear me clearly to calmly let me know they did not hear me so I can repeat it but if they did not hear me clearly and then just ignore me that I will get upset. They are getting better, scratch that, WE are getting better.
What I love about ScreamFree is that it is not just “how to fix your kid” it is “how to fix the family” and that Hal tells us that we need to look at own behavior as well as (if not more) than the children’s behavior. Having this mentality for the last 2 years had changed our household for the better.
If I ask them to clean up the toys in the toy room and they don’t follow directions, they know that I will not ask again and that the toys, after they go to bed, end up in the garage and possibly in the donation pile. This “painful” consistency has caused them to learn this.
Thanks for posting this and all of the entries you put. I will do what I can to help your blog grow leaps and bounds because I think what you have to say is SO important and all parents could benefit from it.
Oh this is a good one. I wish I could be better at this. The consistency part too. I think it is partly because we don’t have well defined consequences. It’s hard to not give multiple warnings when you don’t know what’s going to happen when they don’t do what they need to do. I think our next step is to really line out some definitive consequences.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the toys to the garage for a month. YIKES. But I bet it would only take once.
Hmm… maybe we’ll go get a big trash can today.
Thanks Susan ~ I do so appreciate all you do!
This is what my mom really had trouble with when my brother and I were kids. She’d repeat herself and change her mind so much that we really stopped paying attention because we knew she wasn’t going to follow through with it. I hope to do a better job with it when I have kids of my own.
Is there any way to subscribe to your blogs? I am loving them! I am not yet a mother, but my husband and I are so excited for our future 7 children, I love learning all this in advance!!!
Yes, just click on the orange “heart” icon on the Connect with Me section on several pages of my site, you can choose how to get them delivered. Thank you so much for your comments and I am SO glad you are getting information and wanting to learn more BEFORE you have kids – HOORAY for you!