“The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves.”
-William Hazlitt (1778-1830), British author
Hal’ Take: When kids are disrespectful, rude, or disobedient, we tend to lose our cool. We think that simply because we say something, our kids should do it and we get pretty steamed if they don’t. Here’s where a slight change in thinking can make things so much better.
When you get angry at your child for their behavior, you are falling into the trap of seeking power rather than liberty. You are taking a child’s poor judgment or mistake personally as an affront to your authority as a parent. In reality, it is simply a chance to teach them how the world works through natural consequences. Pursue liberty instead, both theirs and yours as you learn to lead your child without the haze of hurt feelings clouding your judgment.
-Hal Runkel, Author of Screamfree Parenting
The Confident Mom’s Take: Isn’t this the truth, or is just me? It took me awhile to realize that I wasn’t responsible for my children’s comments and disrespect and that I didn’t have to take them personally. Does it still somewhat frustrate me and hurt my heart when my kids say something disrespectful to me – YES! But the difference is they know what will happen when they CHOOSE to do that, and I have a response to their disrespect rather than raising my voice and “disrespecting” them as retaliation. All of this comes to us as a chance to teach lessons and walk our children through their choices. When I share my feelings with them on how I feel after they have chosen poorly on words, it is a chance for them to realize what their actions truly do. Same for me, when I lose it and yell (yes, I still do that at times, even though I am practicing ScreamFree!) they can share with me how it makes them feel. Communication at it’s best if you ask me.
How do you typically respond to disrespect from your child? Are you able to share with them how it makes you feel in a calm way and stay connected to them? What would help you make that transition?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
So true! I have my good days and my very bad days, but on those good days I am able to remember that there is no need to yell; if my children choose to not obey, then that is their choice. They will have to accept whatever consequences follow. Today was a bad day. Even though I know these principles, repeated misbehavior can get to me. I’m working on it, though!
Yes it is the truth and best way to communicate. In the future i will take a deep breath and remember this article.
YOU GO GIRL!! No day is a bad day in my opinion – hey, you learned from your mistake, right? We are all in this together focusing on changing our behavior – hang in there!
That quote is fantastic. Similar is our impulse to do extreme things when our kids are acting out in public — it’s not about our child but our own embarrassment.
Daisy, you are so right – it is about our embarrassment when we act out of a place of fear rather than integrity!
Our son is just a preschooler, but when we noticed him yelling or trying to tell us what to do in “that” tone we took a long hard look at ourselves. Because of his age, he really did learn it from us. Once we started treating him more respectfully he started to do the same. I found it liberating to realize I too had a choice in how I responded. And when I feel my temper rising and I hear him say “Let me explain something” or “Can I ask you a question?” I find it so much easier to calm down. After all you can’t truly listen if the blood is boiling in your ears. When I listen we’re able to have a lovely conversation, he still doesn’t usually get what he wants, but he feels heard.