From Screamfree Parenting, by Hal Runkel
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. ”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
A recent New York Times article posed this theory: Yelling is this parenting generation’s spanking. While most of us agree that we don’t want to discipline our children harshly and with impunity, we are left in the dark as to the alternatives. We start each day with good intentions, but it doesn’t take long before our frustration mounts and we find ourselves barking out our demands and feeling guilty afterwards.
When we yell, our kids hear one thing, “Calm Me Down!!!”. We convey to them that we cannot handle their behavior and they’d better change so that we can get a grip on things. The rest of our message, no matter how valuable it may be, is lost in translation. It’s much more productive to discipline with our actions in a calm manner, so that our kids really get the message loud and clear.
I was not shocked when I saw this posting with this article reference on Twitter Friday. As I work with parents and have struggled myself with yelling at my kids, I know how difficult this habit is to change. Reactive behavior of any kind with your children is damaging, why not take a new step to change this behavior? Discovering what sets you off and how to manage that stress is key to learning to approach your kids in a new way. One of the topics I try to help busy mom’s discover the value in is the idea of self-care. Carving out time to fill your energy tank is extremely important in keeping the stress level down and in turn keeping your voice level down. I have found this true for me and mom’s I have coached have seen the impact as well.
I am passionate about this revolutionary movement to become Screamfree in our homes. Look for workshops and teleseminars on this topic so you can learn more and discover the joy of being Screamfree in your home too!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I wrote a story for Redbook a while back about banishing yelling. It’s a habit just like twirling your hair or biting your nails. I try very hard not to yell. Sometimes, it’s really difficult. But I notice that when I raise my voice it makes things worse. We’ve started doing family deep breaths. When everyone is talking or yelling at once, we stop, close our eyes, and take deep breaths. We usually end up laughing. Sounds crazy, but it’s true.
Thanks for the reminder that I should do that more often.
I love your idea of the deep breaths, and I especially like that it ends up bringing whatever situation was the cause of “yelling” down to a comical moment. Sometimes that is what we need to get that break. I know how much trying to keep my voice calm has affected our home – I hope this message is contagious! Thanks for your time to comment Karen.