My Struggle with Sin

14
Oct
2013

I have felt it over the few months…..

A growing discontentment with a lot of things…..my home, my marriage, my kids, my routines, my ministry here at The Confident Mom, my retreating into isolation due to a long list of ‘things’ to do and not having time to reach out.

I am bitter, restless, feel beat down and angry.  I am angry at myself for allowing me to get to this point, and even more angry that I have to admit this to others outside my close knit group.  But this is one of the steps to rid sin of it’s place….

Whether you know it or not, this community is one outlet that I depend on.  You are a bit of my family here…..I like to share the positive and encourage you all the best I can, I do truly believe it is a gift that The Lord has given me, but the other part of the equation is being completely and vulnerably honest and truthful when things aren’t so perfect.

This is reality and I know in my heart I have to be honest and authentic  in my walk, my struggles as well as with my successes.

This gig of motherhood is hard, and it’s even harder when you are trying to be the wife and mother that God intends you to be – I feel the expectations sometimes just overwhelm me, but I know it is my given role.  I also realize when my senses are truly engaged and I am tuning in, that satan loves to have my feeling inadequate and insufficient.

Last week I poured my heart out to The Lord during my morning devotional time, asking Him to help me determine what was the problem, or problems causing this anger, frustration and plain exhaustion in my role as Keeper of my Home.  Being a mom lacked any enthusiasm on my part; a wife – serving my husband, even less enthusiasm, even down right disgust.  Now, please do not get me wrong, I love my husband and I know we are a gift to each other – but I was not feeling like serving – in fact I was really wanting someone to serve me.  

What about me?  That ugly selfish thinking…..

I was losing patience with my toddler, feeling lonely and upset that often times I am alone with my little guy 3-4 days per week doing life on my own because my husband travels.  Everyone has their story and every has their struggle, but for me right now, I am struggling.  And it runs deep.

It was revealed to me clearly after I read a post that was written actually several years ago by Mandy over at Biblical Homemaking, it was about an experiment she had done called, “The Complaining Experiment.”  The post was up on my Facebook feed on Friday and I am so thankful that I happen to be on Facebook at that time to run across it.

She spoke of many things that resonated clearly with me and struck a cord, these are direct quotes taken from her article:

“I was being deceived by the father of lies.  In so many ways.”

“And it hit me- the father of lies will do anything to make me give up on being a mother

Satan wants me to stop caring. To disengage. He wants me to want to mentally quit, and not even know he was there. And he kept whispering in my heart, “you are not good at this. This is not who you are.”

And it took me a few years, but I fell for it.

And that’s why I think I believed the second thing God showed me was a lie in my life:

I shouldn’t have to do this.”

This was at the very core of my complaining spirit.”

It was like I had words to put to my anger and frustration.  I was exhausted and felt like I ‘shouldn’t have to do any of this. That was the bitterness, spread out like dirty laundry…..my feeling of entitlement.

I realized from her article and what she shared, that not only did I have a selfish heart (which had been revealed to me earlier in the week by The Lord) but I had a complaining heart.  I was full of sin and it was poisoning everything I did.  

Everything.

I feel like I need an overhaul from a selfish spirit.  I want time for me – period.  And you know what, this is not my time to have time for me necessarily.  I have been called to mother children and be a submissive wife to my husband.  I agreed to this and even when it becomes hard, I need to grasp for Jesus’ hand and keep pushing forward.  Period.  Stop the complaining, seek His word and carry on.

When I lose my temper for the 10th time in a day, I need to sit down and hold my 3 year old and cry asking for forgiveness.  

When I don’t feel like serving my husband because I have been ‘served out’, I need to ask for strength to serve him even more.

I need to pray this verse – hourly….

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Psalm 51:10

After I shared Mandy’s article on my Facebook page, I received a message from another mom who had also been struck by Mandy’s post.  I knew it was my time to share my feelings…..I knew I wasn’t the only one and that other’s needed to know they were not also.

I find it interesting that I felt led to share my struggle with you right now, just days before I lead you all in a book and Bible study to regain control in our homes and find peace.  I realize too, that when we step out in obedience that we are prime targets for Satan’s attacks.  I know that I am being attacked, because of the self-talk that I can continually say to myself all day that discourages me from believing God’s word, believing His truths and knowing that He loves me more than anyone can.

But I also know that in the midst of this all, I am still a sinner and will struggle with constantly keeping it all in check.

So, as we venture on this journey together, would you join me in praying, not only for myself and my struggle, but the other ladies who will join this study.  Satan would love nothing more than to have us realize and believe his lies that we are not good enough and we will never be able to provide a calm and peaceful home that is organized for our families.

Ladies, we are going in for battle and we are going to WIN!

I also love that when we admit and ask forgiveness that The Lord blesses us – He meets us and fills our needs.  As I went was writing this post, even in my struggle to share my imperfection and feelings of being unworthy and not good enough, an email came in from a mom who just finished my 5 part FREE mini series.  

Dear Susan,

I just finished your 5 video series! Thank you so much for all of your work and for your heart in offering them for free! I am a homeschooling mom and have four kids ages 10 – 19, and love it it all!  However, we had a very challenging summer with mental illness issues and I’m quite frankly – exhausted! My husband sent me out on a 2 night over-nighter yesterday, to rest, relax and refresh myself. This morning I was able to finish your videos that were waiting for me in my inbox.  Yay! They were JUST what I needed. THANK YOU!
 
I also just sent out an email with your link, recommending your website and video series to the yahoo group of homeschoolers at our church. I’m praying some of these tired mommies will click on your link and prepare themselves to be refreshed.
 
This renewed my spirit ladies and gave me the courage to tackle new challenges here.  I am so thankful when I hear stories like this and can be reassured that I am helping others.  
 
I pray my post today touches someone who needs just that – a kind touch from another mom who knows her struggle and wants her to be a conqueror too.
 

Won’t you join us?  Details to come this week!

I-Used-To-Be-So-Organized-Study-Main 

 

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Comments

  1. Such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing your life & experiences with all of us mothers & wives!! I have been struggling with some of the very same problems and your post helped me to realize i’m not alone!!! Thank you again!!

  2. I felt your virtual hug! I was so nervous about sharing this and putting myself way out there with these horrible feelings, but I just knew someone else would be helped with me being vulnerable and real. I am praying for each woman who reads this today that they will feel His presence in helping return the Joy to their days and serving their family.

  3. Stephanie Southwick says:

    Thanks for sharing. You are an amazing mom and wife. You are right in the middle of God’s will. Love you friend.

  4. Rocquin Bogard says:

    Hi Susan!

    This post touched my heart in more ways then one. I love reading all your posts and I strive to be a better wife and mother daily. However this post was just what I needed. Even those that appear to have it all together struggle just like me and I am not alone in this walk. I have wanted so many times to write to you to share my struggle and to ask for prayer but could never find a direct link to you. So I decided to leave a comment and I hope you read it. May God bless you and your family. You are truly a blessing to me and so many other women. I look to you for some sort of healing because I lost my mom back in 2005. She struggled with Lupus and then was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma in her liver. There are so many things we didn’t get a chance to discuss and I hate that. You have that mothering ,nurturing, loving way about yourself that I miss so much in my mother and I’m grateful that I can come to your blog and find mercy and grace. You truly are a titus woman, teaching the younger women (in Christ) how to be godly women after God’s own heart, keepers of their homes, wives to their hubby’s and mothers to their children. I pray for God’s blessings over you and your family. I pray for your renewed strength and courage, in Jesus name!

  5. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles, I am that mom you were hoping to reach that needed to hear she isn’t alone and isn’t the only mom struggling with these issues. Daily I struggle to overcome my thoughts of selfishness and then the guilt about feeling selfish, it’s such a vicious cycle. I am looking forward to your bible study and the verse I constantly find myself quoting is ‘This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.’ Psalm 118:24

  6. Amber, thank you for sharing the verse – I am going to write a post for tomorrow that shows how I am pushing into this issue for me, kind of a guide to overcoming now, instead of just knowing the sin is there. I pray it will be helpful for others. I don’t have all the answers, but I certainly can share what I am doing in hopes that it will help another mom who feels she is at her lowest. May God bring you Joy and Peace as you serve your family!

  7. I too have been feeling very discontent, frustrated and battling selfish desires lately. I have been praying for God to fill my heart with peace, joy, patience and love as I go about my role as Wife, Mom and homemaker so that there will be no room for impatience, anger and resentment. I find I need to pray this several times a day but when I do it makes such a huge difference. I have never wanted to be anything more than a wife and mother.
    I also happened across this saying and found it to be very accurate for me. “If you find yourself a bit frustrated or overwhelmed it’s a sign that you are spending less time with God and more time with this world” I need to remember to focus on what really matters and set the rest aside. My kids having the perfect outfits for an upcoming occasion is Not Important! Wasting massive amounts of time on the internet also adds to my feeling overwhelmed and agitated. I miss so much when I’m sitting behind a computer screen. I find myself in a more peaceful and content state of mind when I truly see all that is going on around me. Thank you for posting it is so helpful to know others are struggling with the same things and encourage and reminds me to keep on fighting the good fight! I look forward to more posts about how you are overcoming these feelings.

  8. You are not alone – thank you for sharing. I found that even though I was feeling this way, the more time I spent with God it was clear to me it was something that needed attention, severely. You are right, get out from the computer screen and take note and appreciate what we have – thanks for the word!

  9. Hi Susan,
    Thank you for pouring out what’s been in. We are not alone in this journey. God is amazing as soon as we open up and reveal what’s hidden in our hearts HE comes running to us with open arms of Forgiveness and LOVE. Every comment left was GOD reaching out to you. God Bless you for giving all of us HOPE and encouragement and most of all the message not to believe the LIES of the evil one. Keep steadfast. Peace be with you and your family.

  10. Thank you for such encouragement Diana – you have blessed my day tremendously!

  11. Thank you for being transparent. I am a single mom and this is a daily struggle for me. My days are long and my nights are lonely. Your post was a breathe of fresh air, I thought only single moms felt selfish. It is amazing how the enemy will try and make you feel all alone and tell you lies like you are a horrible mother, look at the piles of laundry, real moms read to their children every night even if they are tired..this is what plays in my head….then I soak into myself and feel defeated. Then I start trying to prove the enemy wrong and get nothing accomplished. Then I say to myself, who is going to take care of me, homework this, changing pamper there, wash clothes, do not forget to schedule their doctor appointment, oh wait, make sure you balance the checkbook, wait I forgot to get cash for the field trip. Woooo, that felt good to get off my chest! LOL! I want to thank you for being you and allowing the Lord to use you to minister to me. Be Blessed!

  12. Tawanna – you are serving your children beyond measure – I’ve been there and I do know. As a single mom for 8 years I get feeling overwhelmed and so exhausted with no time for you. I feel bad even as I type this for my heart to be in this frame of my mind when I have a helpful husband as my assistant. We are struggle, we are all sinners and we all need incredible GRACE, I pray you find peace in Him and He can comfort you as no other human can. Hold tight girlfriend!

  13. I am married to an officer who works long hours, we have three children and in lost my job about a year ago so i stay home with the toddler during the day. I struggle constantly and waver back and forth on living the right way and then bam I sin again. I feel so frustrated being the “it” for everyone and never feeling like anyone is ever there for just me. Like now as I sit her with strep throat there is no break and still things that everyone expects of me. What about the mom once in a while.

  14. I can relate, especially when our bodies are depleted and we are sick. I pray for healing and for a fresh perspective – may God meet you right here.

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