Being the Wife Your Husband Needs

29
Nov
2012


Today is my husband’s birthday!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! He makes my life so much better and has shown me how to be a better mother, wife and person – I am truly grateful.  He is funny, smart and handsome all in one package!

I received a note from a mom yesterday asking for more resources and support on helping her keep her marriage fresh as well as helping her keep the eye on the ball with making it a priority and not allowing it to take a back seat to the busy life they lead.  I can relate to that one.  You all shared some wonderful resources on the facebook page, and I so appreciate that – I am sure she did too.

In honor of my hubby, I thought I would take this topic and share a bit more on ways I’ve found to help keep my marriage in a place where I can feel confident it is not being neglected and I am being the wife my husband needs.  We talk a lot around here about being the mom your kids need, but your husband needs a loving and supportive wife to be the man God wants to lead your family.

How can you help?

Take a Supporting Role

I often get into a pattern where I feel things should be all about me, yep – it is true.  Activities we do as a family should fit my style, my interest and my “fun” meter.  But you know what I’ve learned, things go much better when I don’t have to be the center.  This one is hard for me, I can begin justifying my needs above others in very concrete terms, but the bottom line is – I need to allow my husband to call the shots a good part of the time and go along with HIS plans too.

What things interest your husband?  Do you actively share in some of those interests?  Do you support those interests.

My husband “was” a duck hunter before we got married.  Once we started dating and then married, he had fallen out of this hobby {is it called a hobby???}  But in the past few months he has found a friend who hunts and they’ve begun going duck hunting together.  This is certainly not my cup of tea and I can get very territorial over my husbands time when he is home, as he travels typically 3-4 days per week.  I mean when he is home, I need him around.  I’ve just survived 3-4 days on my own as a single mom – so I deserve a break – RIGHT?

But when I sacrifice my time with him, so he may go and enjoy a day hunting, I am blessing him.  Now, I can say I use to do this and then give the guilt treatment maybe for the whole next day – playing the martyr, but ladies – that is so backwards and I was not truly blessing him or anyone else!  I actually was making things worse.

So what can you do to bless him with time to do an activity he enjoys or perhaps take a big interest in something that he enjoys doing – say, paint-balling?  I know, I rolled my eyes too!

Pamper Him

Our husbands still have a need to be loved in tangible ways.  With everyone else in the family demanding my time, I can get so busy I forget to take the time to love on him extra.  This does not mean more kisses and hugs, although my hubby does like that stuff, but what about cooking his favorite dinner or making his favorite dessert to surprise him when he arrives home?

You know my husband travels, so when he arrives home after being gone for 3 days I really want his arrival to be special.  It is a great time for everyone in our house, welcoming him back home.  My hubby loves pie – I mean really loves pie – me ….. not so much!  But I can bake other things very easily.  When he walks in the door and smells brownies baking or an apple crisp in the oven, it is telling him through his nose, “I love you and I missed you and couldn’t wait for you to come home.”

What other ideas do you have to pamper your husband?  Bring him his first cup of coffee in bed?  Or a cup of tea after dinner while you sit on the sofa for 5 minutes.  You know your husband best, what do you think would pamper him and make him feel special?

Find Connection

One of the best things we’ve done in our marriage is to study a book together at the same time.  We’ve done, “ScreamFree Parenting”, “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs” “The Five Love Languages” and are now currently doing, “How We Love”.

Making intentional time to learn more about who we each are and how we work and fit together has made our married life much more enjoyable.  I would venture to say a bit easier because our hearts are closer and we’ve learned so much about the other person that compassion is more evident in our daily life with each other.

We decide on a book and then break it down in to sections to read, set times up that we both will sit and discuss what we’ve read and the most important part – put those set times to discuss on the calendar!  We sometimes use it as date time, but other times we sit and chat during nap time or after the kids are in bed.  I will say this current book that we are discussing, “How We Love” is amazing.  My bible study group chose this book for study this year and most of us have gotten our husbands involved in some level and we are all seeing growth and understanding in areas we would never have had otherwise.

Respect

This is a biggie.  I learned a lot when I read “Love and Respect” and understood how men need to be respected to feel love and how this respect affects everything within a marriage.  There are many parts to respecting your husband, but a few that have done wonders for me are:

Prayer – praying for my husband daily and allowing God to answer those requests.  When I share with my husband that I prayed for _________ today for him he is touched.  Especially when he is traveling, I need to take the time to prayer for his protection and wisdom.

Appreciation – tell your husband what you appreciate about him, even the little things.  Why not share with others what you so appreciate about your husband too?  Everyone loves hearing some good things instead of the bad!

Don’t’ criticize – this is a biggie.  It goes along with the above appreciation; the opposite of appreciation is to criticize.  Even worse is when we criticize our husband in front of our children or question his decision making in a way that shows disagreement.  Save these for private discussions between the two of you.

Another area that we can easily get caught up in is complaining with our girlfriends about our husband.  This produces nothing but more hard and harsh feelings and can taint the relationship that others may have with your husband, which is a negative.  Be aware of how you speak of your husband both inside and outside your home.

Now, I will be off to pamper, respect, connect and support him on the day that I get to call his for the year!  I just saw this post yesterday too as I was finishing up this article – it was great!

How do you prioritize your marriage?

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  • http://shovellicious.blogspot.com Shovellicious

    Happy Birthday to your Husband! I wish you both all the best and I hope you had a wonderful time celebrating it!

  • Yasmin

    I’m really struggling in this area. My husband began going to church and got saved… Then switched jobs and works a crazy schedule (I’m basically a single mom as he works evenings and when he’s off he’s resting) and hasn’t been to church in months. His priorities and his values aren’t mine. It’s always been a struggle since I for saved years ago, but while he was going to church it was getting better. He was studying his Bible and his values were changing. Now he hasn’t opened his bible in months and instead watches zombie shows and plays violent video games and drinks and is experimenting with cigars now. I feel like I have a 5th child. I’m trying to pray pray pray and just show him the love of Christ… But it’s hard!! Lol this was a great post and I will continue to try. Happy birthday to your hubby!!

  • http://www.theconfidentmom.com Susan

    Yasmin, my heart aches hearing your frustration and your disappointment. I wish I had some magical answer for you – but I do not. As I was reading this morning in my bible, I came to Isaiah 40:27-29 – maybe you can take refuge in this verse – He understands your frustration and He will give strength to the weary. I pray Lord, that you will begin a work in Yasmin’s husband and continue to give her strength to shine Your love into his life.

    I wish I could fix it, I truly do. Keep doing what you are doing, laying it at the feet of the ONE who can take care of it!

  • http://amyhagerup.com Amy Hagerup

    Susan, This is really good. We too went through Love and Respect. I believve respect is so huge for our husbands. I also believe we have to be sure that we keep his intimacy needs well cared for. We were missionaries in Ethiopia and Ghana and when my husband would come home from treks, I tried to make him come home to a special reception. Thanks, Amy

  • http://www.theconfidentmom.com Susan

    Yes, the intimacy part is HUGE! You are right there – with a hubby that travels, I totally get that – I am not always the best at meeting that need like he would like, but I know how important it is! :-)

  • CeceliaJames

    I try to keep in mind things done when we were dating. Sending lovey text messages (which can now be sexy text messages), posting a quick “I love you” on his Facebook page, that sort of thing. Little things that let him know I’ve thought about him throughout the day.

  • Mica

    This was such a perspective changing article for me. I came across it because my husband and I are both Christian but haven’t been into church in a while. I lost a lot of my faith. I am recently and slowly gaining it back and trying my best to be a good wife, please the Lord and my husband. I have always complained about my husband and his behavior to my friends and you’re right I end up feeling more hostile abut him afterwards. I’d think I was venting and would end up feeling worse. I am going to stop doing that. Ok believe that this article can help better my marriage. Thank you and thank God I stumbled upon you’re blog. I know it wasn’t by chance !

  • http://www.theconfidentmom.com Susan

    So glad you came by too! We are struggle and are not perfect. Just today I was praying that I could serve my husband instead of focus on my own selfish needs and wants, it is always a battle to serve and be like Christ! Praying for hope to flourish for you as you are obedient!