One of my favorite quotes of all time:
“Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say”
Wilfred A. Peterson
It goes right alongside all the times you are told that you need to model behavior that you want your kids to develop. Seems logical, makes perfect sense……but how deep do you take this? I try to shut down my reactive behavior in front of my kids so they don’t learn that as an acceptable way of communicating in a relationship, so that is a work in progress……PRACTICE….is what I call it. I try to be kind to people, not judge others, offer kind words, smile and clean up after myself – you know all the normal kinds of behavior you would like your children to develop by the time they leave home.
But something happened to me about three weeks ago, that really gave me a sickening feeling in my stomach and now gives me the perfect opportunity to share how I was NOT living in a way that I would want my children to live. You see, I got sucked into watching “The Bachelor” two seasons ago. I watched the season when the guy from Seattle, Jason was on. I gave myself a reason to watch, I mean he was a hometown guy! Then I totally got caught up in the drama, the way he picked the wrong person and dumped her on national TV. I felt her pain. I told myself I wouldn’t be watching again, I mean is this really how I think people should find their God given partner? But as it was, I got sucked into the next season because it was cute Jillian that was “The Bachelorette”. I watched that season too, saying this was my last – for sure! I was sneaking to watch the show-how ridiculous, a closet “Bachellorette show watcher!” not wanting my kids to know I was watching this show that went against everything that I believed in….I was ashamed, but still would watch.
So here comes this season, big hunky pilot Jake who is “The Bachelor”. I felt myself getting sucked in again, I mean he was the underdog of last season, he was a pilot (I used to be a flight attendant – old cliché I know!) and I wanted to see who he picked. My husband declared he would not be watching the show any longer; he was just tired of all the nonsense and was done. If I chose to watch, I was on my own. So I decided I would watch it on my own, I mean it was just a show, what could it matter-who could it hurt?
It only took watching the first episode for the reality of the show and how ridiculous it was to hit the pit of my stomach. My kids had found out, were teasing me about watching it and I was feeling rather embarrassed. It was those feelings inside and then watching the previews at the end of the show, portraying what was to come in future episodes and I knew that I could not tune in any longer. The drama and unbecoming behavior that I was given just a “glimpse” of disgusted me.
So I stopped, haven’t tuned in again and hopefully won’t ever again. I know that this show is made for viewers, and it is not what I want my kids to see or even think that I agree with the way the show lays out a way for the participant to find their mate. It really was a smack to the side of my head to realize what I was DOING was shouting louder than anything I could say or tell my kids about dating and finding their future partner. Watching this show seems like such a small thing, and I guess in the big picture it is a small thing, but you know……all those small things we think don’t make a difference really do end up making a difference. If you add up all those little things and put them together I am sure it wouldn’t take long to figure out why your child thought it was okay to do something that you would have never displayed or shown him….intentionally. That is the key…..what are you displaying that may be slipping by your radar?
I challenge you to take a look at your day and evaluate if all the things you do fall into your desire to raise kids who have the values that you are trying so hard to instill. I am certainly not perfect, and even though I shared one of these “bad habits” I am sure I can use the time to evaluate my day as well. I would love to hear your thoughts or comments. Moms, you can make a difference - a huge difference – use that to your advantage today and everyday.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Susan I LOVE this. I try not to watch TV very often, but on several occasions, I have caught myself or my husband watching something and the kids are trying to tell us something. It makes me cringe to say that I have told them shhhhh! Yuck, that is such an awful feeling, that I sent a message at that time saying the TV was more important than them. To top it off, we do have a dvr. Would be very easy to pause whatever is so important, rather than shush my kids! Definitely want to stop shouting that message!
Thanks for your post!
Gretchen
Thanks Gretchen, your ability to stop and look at your actions is benefiting everyone! We are all so not perfect and we all have work we can do to achieve a better model……at least I am not the only one being deceived by that box in the corner!
Beautiful written Susan! I totally agree with the idea that we have to be the adults we want our children to become!
Thanks so much for the timely reminder!!
Well darn, I had an entire post typed out and the internet went wonky on me. So here is another version of it since I can’t remember it word for word.
I 100% agree with you and I take this topic VERY seriously. If you want your kids to, for example, know the importance of wearing a helmet when ridding a bike or scooter, then by all means, you as a parent must wear one. If you don’t want swear words to come out of your children’s mouths then you may not say them yourself.
I love in the ScreamFree book how he says “If you have the desire to clean their room, go clean your own”. I absolutely love that statement. It is so very very true.
I also agree about the TV and taking notice of what you are watching. As a family, each Sunday night we watch American’s Funniext Home Videos. This is advertised as a family show. I don’t think it is, I think it is turning into using what they think is acceptable, like making fun of ‘man boobs’ and using the word sex. When did those things become funny and acceptable topics for a FAMILY show? I have considered not watching the show anymore as a family but instead, I use those moments to teach my children about our family values. It is a tough balance. Knowing when to take a stand and not do something and knowing when to use those opportunties to teach our children. At least it is tough for me.
So for now, we will continue watching the show and using that time as a family to talk about our core values and beliefs.
Thank you both Tiffany & Sandra – I can appreciate your thoughts and struggle with what is the right decision for your family in regard to the TV show, it is true that things that don’t seem to be “funny” are so often pushed to the limit to obtain that case. Frustrating. I find similar struggles with the show, “Dancing with the Stars”. I love that show and when it first started it was great, then slowly each season the ladies started wearing less and LESS clothing – it is now almost as bad as an R rated movie, yet on during family tv watching time. Frustrating to no end that society finds this acceptable and we fight harder to keep our kids “kids” longer.